i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies