just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
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Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
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HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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