i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10