I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
