My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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