Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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