there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
