i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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