i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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