I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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