I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
