Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize