ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Drake has all the answers
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
