Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
