I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
