my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
