Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
