I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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