I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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