My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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