I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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