The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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