Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
