I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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