thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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