Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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