I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
