..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
