my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
