no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
