so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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