guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
