I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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