I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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