Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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