I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
