I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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