STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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