I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
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you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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