just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
