why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
