no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
