I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
