halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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