Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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