mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
