The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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