Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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