Me. At least after what I've been through.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
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As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
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No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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