I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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