lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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