My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
a search helicopter?!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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