you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize