Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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