btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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